Posted 11:08 AM by Cath

Eavesdropping... The Last Bastion of the Bored...

Hello, my name is Cath and I am a compulsive eavesdropper.

In my defence, I never go out of my way to listen in to other people's conversations. For example, you will never find me lurking behind doors listening to obviously private discussions or sitting with a glass at a thin wall taking copious notes. However, I do defend my right to enjoy other people's lives if they broadcast them in a public place.

Up until the point where we lived close enough to work to walk there, public transport was my absolute best place to earwig on the doings of Joe Public. There's something hugely entertaining about sitting on a damp bus on a cold Monday morning listening to other people's tales of weekend debauchery. With the event of the mobile phone, these folk don't even need to be sitting with a friend to spill the beans. Brightened up my day no end and a guilt-free treat - if you don't want people to know you two-timed your boyfriend, don't yell about it on a bus.

Since I've been ill, my opportunities to gather information on how other people live has been limited. The cats are remarkably close-lipped on their middle of the night badness (unless I happen to have witnessed for myself the destruction having been woken by a crash, tinkle or thud that is out of place at 3am...).

Enter the Evil Neighbours.

At the start of June, we acquired an additional neighbour upstairs. Up until then, apart from the odd bump and bang, the occasional clomp of heeled shoes on laminate flooring and the once-in-a-while party, we rarely noticed we had neighbours upstairs. No longer. With the arrival of Captain Clompy (or Mr. Noisy Bastard as he would soon come to be known), it seemed international party season had arrived in the upstairs flat - and we weren't directly invited. Cue a month of being woken up or kept awake at 1am, 2am, 3am and 4am five out of seven nights a week...

Being the 'Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells' type, we, of course, complained. They, of course, apologised and promised to keep it down. The next night, off we went again...

Anyhoo, the upside to all the chaos is feeling I have carte blanche to listen in to their lives. It's made easier by the fact they're living their life at a million decibels in their kitchen (which is directly above our bedroom). Having set my recovery back by weeks and set my teeth on constant edge, I think I have earned the right to enjoy the noise!

It's a little like living under a soap opera right now. There have been a number of noisy rows in the last few days - with folk storming from rooms and slamming doors. Someone has been laying down the law. There are strange and unusual shrieks and wailings at odd hours of the day and night. Mr. Noisy Bastard seems to spend his time pacing noisily from room to room for hours on end, but has been less in evidence the last few days... There have been no party-esque gatherings for 4 nights which is a record.*

In my sleep-deprived state I have created a whole life for them consisting of love triangles, drug-dealing and nervous breakdowns. It's probably a million miles from the truth but it keeps me entertained.

The truth is they're a bunch of inconsiderate tossers - and I am conducting an experiment in the power of thought suggestion through ceilings as a side project. Attempted projected thought transmissions to date have varied from 'please decide to spontaneously move out' (pacifist solution) to 'I forgive you your idiocy, please shut up' (I had been watching 'The Convent' and thought I might be able to sleep throught the din if I thought more kindly of the din). The most frequent tend to be 'For the love of God, shut the fuck up' and 'Please drop dead. Now. But quietly...'. I can report little in the way of success but will keep trying and report back.

What they probably hear, on a subliminal level, is a distant female voice with a Lancashire burr shouting 'Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhh! Shut up! Shut up!' but that might just be me shouting out loud. :oD


*This of course does not mean it won't kick back off again tonight - they are nothing if not erratic.

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