Posted 11:25 AM by Cath

Balancing Act

It's been a while, I know, I'm sorry. Frankly I've done so little since I last posted that it never seemed worthwhile posting!

It seems likely that I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. The word 'Syndrome' makes it sound so very serious, but the fact of the matter is nothing much has changed except the length of time I've been ill. I get tired if I do too much, and I get ill if I'm daft enough to do more than that. 'Too much' currently stands at:

• Spending an hour writing in my notebook at the cafe round from the flat AND then having lunch with friends for an hour in the same cafe.
  
• Going to a (sitting down and watching Eurovision) party AND having a couple of glasses of wine for a few hours.
  
• Changing the bed linen AND doing some laundry in the same day.
  
• Playing World of Warcraft for longer than an hour or so
  

It's been a bit of an eye-opener. I have also had to develop a new muscle, one which has been sadly neglected in recent years. Ironically, had I used it sooner, I might not be in this position. It's been tough to tone, and even now, using it makes me sad sometimes even though it's out of necessity.

I have been learning how to say no.

Today I had to say no to lunch with friends as I had been out for a walk for an hour and I can't do both. Last week I had to say no to doing instance runs in WoW with friends as I was tired already and apt to overdo it. No I can't stay up and watch that film. No I can't make it to a party. Happily it allows me to say yes to other things - no I can't do x as I want to do y, but spontenaity is a scarcity. I'm having to learn to prioritise and plan - and that's proving to be a useful skill even if it is massively frustrating at times.

I'm also trying to learn a fine balancing act. Activity versus resting. Quality rest (vague attempts to meditate, lying back listening to Mozart, sitting on a park bench in the sunshine with my eyes closed) versus quantity rest (watching TV, reading). Shopping at a plodding pace for half an hour (targetting specific shops I need to get to) with enough energy to get home versus forgetting myself and storming along the main drag (meandering in and out of random shops) only to wind up running out of steam part way along and having to get a cab home. Too much sitting around makes me sluggish and miserable. Too little sitting around and I end up floored for a couple of days. It's an act which still needs fine tuning as there aren't any hard and fast rules - and the rules can change from day to day. A little walk here, a little rest there, a bit of housework here, a smidge of time with friends there...

The upside (and isn't there always a silver lining to these things?) is that it has given me the long, slow boredom that I needed to start writing again. Nothing big, nothing joined up, but putting ideas on paper that don't include the words 'fatigue', 'energy' and 'rest' has become a delicious escape. Diary writing, note taking and scribbling are life savers.

So once again, sorry for the delay in posting, but trust me when I say that if this whole thing is boring for me, it won't get any more exciting on paper/screen for anyone else! I'm not dying, I'm not having revelations - I'm just reading a lot of light novels and magazines and spying on the folk passing by in the street - *yawn*.

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